THE BLOG OF KARKAT VANTAS

KARKAT REVIEWS: AN AWFUL HUMAN ROMCOM.

SO FOR THE PAST FEW HOURS I’VE BEEN SITTING HERE, THINKING OF SOMETHING TO POST ON THIS BLOG. NINETEEN FOLLOWERS IN A DAY, AND HERE I AM SITTING AND DROOLING AT MY COMPUTER LIKE SOME SORT OF BRAINDEAD TECHNOJUNKIE TRYING TO GET HIS PLEASURE FROM FONDLING PICTURES OF HUMAN CARTOONS ON THE INTERNET.
SO I DECIDED, HEY, I’M A TROLL WELL VERSED IN THE SCIENCE AND WORKINGS OF A GOOD ROMCOM. LET’S CHECK OUT ONE OF YOUR HUMAN ROMCOMS, AND STUDY A BIT OF YOUR CULTURE. IT’S ALWAYS NICE TO BE FUCKING CULTURED.
OR SO I THOUGHT, UNTIL I REMEMBERED THAT YOUR RACE IS ABOUT AS CREATIVE AND IMAGINATIVE AS A ROTTING CORPSE.

WHICH BRINGS US TO THE REASON FOR THIS POST;
A WORTHLESS HUMAN ROMCOM TITLED “50 FIRST DATES”. 

FOR STARTERS, JUST READ THE TITLE. WHICH SHOULD TAKE YOU ABOUT THE SPAN OF A WHOLE HALF-A-SECOND. SEE, THIS IS WHERE WE KNOW THAT THIS “MOVIE”, IF YOU CAN EVEN CALL IT THAT, IS GOING TO BE LIKE WATCHING A HOOFBEAST DIGEST ITS OWN VOMIT. THAT IS JUST A FUCKING FLAT-OUT AWFUL TITLE. I CAN’T BELIEVE I EVEN CONSIDERED THIS. WHAT THE BONESPLINTERING FUCK COMPELLED ME TO DO THIS.
ANYWAYS.

OUR MOVIE OPENS UP WITH HUMAN FEMALES ONE AFTER THE OTHER DISCUSSING THEIR “WONDERFUL WEEK OF PASSION AND HUMAN COURTING RITUALS” WITH EACH-OTHER. I MIGHT HAVE EDITED THAT QUOTE A BIT.
IT WOULD BE SAFE TO BE SHIELDED UNDER THE ASSUMPTION THAT THEY’RE ALL TALKING ABOUT THE SAME MAN. MOSTLY ATTESTED DUE TO THE FACT THAT I DOUBT THESE WOMAN HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE MAIN STORY, OTHER THAN TO BUILD A STEADY BASE FOR THE CHARACTER OF OUR HERO.
ALSO I DON’T THINK THAT YOU HUMANS HAVE EVEN THE POTENTIAL OR MENTAL CAPACITY TO INCLUDE QUADRANT VACILLATION.  

WE ALSO DISCOVER THAT THIS SHINING EXAMPLE OF LIKABLE PROTAGONIST LIKES TO CHANGE HIS NAME, MAKING SLIGHT ALTERATIONS FROM WOMAN TO WOMAN.
WHAT A FUCKING CHARMING CHARACTER. I’M SURE I’LL LOVE HIM A LOT.
AND BEFORE YOU ASK, I’M NOT TOO DIM-WITTED TO SEE THAT THIS FUCKHOLE WILL CHANGE HIS EVIL WAYS IN THE DURATION OF THIS FILM. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

AND THEN, OUR MAIN CHARACTER IS REVEALED, GIVING WAY TO AN INCREDIBLY ANNOYING SPEECH ABOUT HOW HE JUST CAN’T BE IN A REDROM WITH A GIRL ANYMORE, BECAUSE HE’S SOME SORT OF HUMANCOP. I DON’T KNOW. OKAY, BRING IN THE CLOWNS AND LET’S SEE THIS PUTRID SELECTION OF—

OH MY FUCKING GODDAMN WRINKLY EYED TWINKLE TOED BULGEBITING LIMBCUTTING GRUBSAUCE FUCK IN THE DEEPEST PITS OF THE WORST PLACE IMAGINABLE.
WHAT. THE FUCK. IS THAT THING.
THAT THING IS A JOKE. A MISTAKE. YOUR HUMAN VERSION OF GOD, OR APPARENTLY LACK THEREOF WAS BLATANTLY FUCKING WITH YOU WHEN HE COOKED THIS ONE UP. MY THEORY IS HE GOT TOO HIGH ON SOPOR SLIME ONE NIGHT AND DECIDED TO GIGGLE TO HIMSELF, SHIT ON A TABLE, AND MODEL A HUMAN OUT OF IT. WHAT THE FUCK.

SO, YEAH.
AS I STATED PREVIOUSLY, HE’S GIVING A HEARTFELT SPIEL TO SOME HALFWIT FEMALE WHO IS OBVIOUSLY TOO FUCKING OBTUSE TO SEE RIGHT THROUGH HIS FACADE OF LIES AND HORRID BEHAVIOR.
AND THEN HE JUMPS ON A WATER-VEHICLE, AND GOES SCOOTING AWAY INTO THE EARTH-SUNSET. PRESUMABLY TO HANG HIMSELF. 

SOME OTHER USELESS TRASH HAPPENS, AND WE DISCOVER THAT OUR HERO MAKES A LIVING TRICKING HELPLESS SHITRINSERS IN TO REDROMS, BUT HE’S A SWEETHEART BECAUSE HE TENDS TO THE EARTH-BEASTS. AWW, SAYS THE DISGRUNTLED HUMAN AUDIENCE THAT COULDN’T WALK WITHOUT SOMEONE TELLING THEM HOW TO DO IT. 

AROUND THIS POINT, WE ARE ALSO INTRODUCED TO THE HERO’S SIDEKICK.

AS YOU CAN TELL, THIS IS AN INCREDIBLY NORMAL, ECCENTRIC COMEDIC RELIEF. NOT AT ALL A SHIT STAIN ON THE SOFT, CUSHY FABRIC THAT IS COMEDY. NOT AT FUCKING ALL.
SO THE GIST OF THIS HUMAN’S LIFE IS THAT HE CAN WOO ANYONE IN TO A FLUSHED QUADRANT WITH HIS “CHARMING GOOD LOOKS” AND HIS “RAZOR SHARP WIT.”
OH, I DIDN’T KNOW THIS FILM CENTERED AROUND FANTASY.
THUS, EVERYTHING IS PERFECT AND WONDERFUL. THIS CHARACTER IS WALKING AROUND IN PERPETUAL, UNDETERRED HAPPINESS AND NOTHING COULD GO WRONG.
THAT IS, UNTIL HE MEETS HER.

AND, LET’S BE HONEST;
HOW COULD ANYONE, HUMAN OR OTHERWISE, NOT BE COMPLETELY FUCKING SMITTEN WITH THIS UPON FIRST SIGHT. LOOK AT THE WAY SHE TWIDDLES THAT FORK. LOOK AT THE DEEP, THOUGHTFUL VISAGE SHE WEARS AS SHE READS UNDOUBTEDLY THE MOST ENGAGING, THOUGHT-PROVOKING PIECE OF LITERATURE IN THE HISTORY OF OUR UNIVERSES.
SHE IS PURE GOLD.


OF COURSE, AS YOU CAN SEE IN THE PICTURE ABOVE, OUR FAITHFUL PROTAGONIST IS FLUSHED. FLUSHED LIKE A PATHETIC WRIGGLER UPON IT’S FIRST TIME BEING NURTURED BY ITS LUSUS.
AND SO, BEING THE CHARMING HUMAN THIS PATHETIC ASS IS, HE DECIDES TO ACT UPON THIS “FLUSHED-AT-FIRST-SIGHT” FEELING AND FLIRT WITH OUR LOVE-INTEREST.
BUT, OH NO! AN EXCITING (BY YOUR HUMAN STANDARDS) PLOT TWIST SEEMS TO OCCUR. OUR PROTAGONIST, WHOM WE WILL NOW REFER TO AS DAVE, FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, FALLS FLAT ON HIS BULBOUS ASS. IN A FIGURATIVE SENSE.
WHICH IS TO SAY, HE’S COMPLETELY SHITFUCKED THE WHOLE SITUATION. LOVE INTEREST IS NOT INTERESTED. NO PUN INTENDED.

WELL, AT AROUND THIS POINT, I COULD ALREADY SEE WHERE THIS WAS GOING. “OH NO.” KARKAT SHOUTED TO HIMSELF AS HE STOMPED ON THE “DVD PLAYER”.
“WE ARE NOT GOING THROUGH TWO PLUS HOURS OF STUPID, PASTED OVER GAGS AGAIN AND AGAIN UNTIL WE’RE ALL FOAMING OUT OF WASTECHUTES, JUST TO SEE THIS MISERABLE SHITWIPE GET THE GIRL. SORRY, FOLKS. JUST NOT HAPPENING.”

AS YOU CAN TELL, I GAVE UP. AND I’M GLAD I DID. THIS GAVE WAY FOR A MUCH MORE INTELLECTUAL AND THOUGHTFUL ROMCOM, WHICH I SPENT A GOOD FEW HOURS BEING COMPLETELY, WHOLE-HEARTEDLY ENTERTAINED BY.
 

THAT’S A LOT OF FOLLOWERS IN SUCH A SHORT SPAN OF TIME. SERIOUSLY, THERE IS GOING TO BE NOTHING SPECIAL HAPPENING HERE. I’D FUCK OFF IF I WAS YOU.
BUT THEN AGAIN, THERE’S A LOT OF MUTILATION I’D PERFORM ON MYSELF IF I WAS YOU, TOO. MAYBE SOMETIMES TAKING MY ADVICE ON YOUR LIVES ISN’T THE BEST THING TO BE DOING.

AND, WE’RE BACK.

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN. A MONTH? PROBABLY A LITTLE WHILE LONGER THAN THAT. I HAVEN’T BEEN KEEPING TRACK AND I DON’T PLAN TO.

ANYWAYS, WE’RE BACK. I DON’T COMPREHEND WHY I’M COMPLACENT WITH THE IDEA OF RE-MAKING THIS BLOG, BUT I AM. IT TURNS OUT THAT DITCHING THIS BLOG WAS THE WORST IDEA I’VE HAD SINCE I SAID TO MYSELF “HEY, LET’S PLAY A GAME WITH THE ELEVEN MOST ABSENT-MINDED FINGER-BITING SHITSNIFFERS THE UNIVERSE HAS EVER KNOWN.” 
I’VE BEEN STUCK ON THIS GODFORSAKEN ROCK, FLOATING THROUGH ENDLESS NOTHING FOR WELL OVER A YEAR NOW, AND I’M NOT ANY MORE PLEASED ABOUT IT THAN I WAS WHEN I STARTED. IN FACT, I’D SAY I’M LESS SO. A LOT OF POINTLESS PERSONAL ISSUES THAT I’M UNWILLING TO DIVE IN TO. BUT WHATEVER, IT’S ALL OVER NOW. WE’VE SOLVED IT.

SO HERE I AM NOW, SITTING AT THIS COMPUTER AND TYPING THIS POST LIKE A FUCKING HALF-WITTED IMBECILE. TURNS OUT TO SOME DEGREE I NEED THIS THING. IT’S LIKE A HYPERACTIVE DRUG, AND I’M FINDING IT HARD TO BREAK THE HABIT.
I DON’T EXPECT FOLLOWERS. FUCK ME IF I GET OVER FIVE. THIS IS MY BLOG, AND IT WILL PERTAIN TO MY PERSONAL INTERESTS. SO DON’T TRY TO DO A FUCKING PIROUETTE DOWN MY THROAT IF I DON’T POST SHIPPING CHARTS AND PICTURES OF FLUFFY MEOWBEASTS LIKE I’VE SEEN PLASTERED ALL OVER THIS WEBSITE.

THAT’S ABOUT IT.